Talking to Your Kids about Sex

Dear Probe,

Can you please send me a copy of an old article (maybe 2001 or 2002) from Probe Ministries that I found on the internet. I am having trouble with my printer. The article is titled “Safe Sex and the Facts” by Raymond G. Bohlin. I have a daughter who is almost 14 and I’ve been told that I need have plenty of statistics available when I have these talks with her. This article seems to be just what I need. I can send a self-addressed envelope if necessary. Thank You.

Hi Cheryl,

Thanks for your letter. We’re glad you find our website useful to you. We’re sorry your printer is being finicky, however we are not in a place financially where we are able to mail articles out (we get several requests for this). I recommend trying your local library.

I also recommend focusing on the positives of abstinence and not on the negatives of premarital sex when you talk to your teenage daughter about sex, which since she is nearly 14 I recommend you do soon! Don’t let her get too far into her 14th year without having this talk. Having the stats in Dr Bohlin’s article will be useful and helpful and should be included in your conversation with your daughter, but should not be the emphasis. We’re all rather notorious for thinking It’ll never happen to me, making it really easy to ignore statistics. More often than not, the reasons why we shouldn’t have extramarital sex aren’t powerful enough to stop us in the heat of the moment. On the other hand, most believers who have a firm understanding of why we should orient our sexual lives to God’s original intentions hold much stronger, healthier convictions about sex.

Understanding how God designed our bodies and what happens physically and emotionally during sex is highly empowering. A powerful example is the covenantial design of sex. All throughout Scripture, when God makes a covenant with his people, blood is required as a sign of the life and death nature of the covenant: if we enter into a covenant with God, we receive life; if we break that covenant, death. When God made his covenant with Abraham, he required circumcision. When that covenant was broken, blood sacrifice was required. God’s final and ultimate covenant with us is through his Son, Jesus Christ who bled, died, and rose again. This is a covenant Christ will never break, so once we enter through him, we shall never be able to break it either. Hallelujah! Sex is also a covenant. It is the marriage covenant between a man and a woman before God and community. And as you know, when a woman has sex for the first time, there is (most often) some blood, a sign of the promise being made between a woman and man to each other, God, community for life until death do they part.

This covenantial act between husband and wife is a symbol of the covenant between Christ and us, his Church:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. (Eph 5:25-28 The Message)

Because marriage has the power to be such a very clear picture of Christ and the Church, I believe this is one of the reasons marriage is under such heavy attack! Another reason is that our sexuality is such an intimate part of our self identity.

At any rate, this is just one example of how to focus on why we should as opposed to why we shouldn’t. Allow me to recommend a book you can work through together with your teenager on this subject called, Gift-Wrapped by God: Secret Answers to the Question: “Why Wait?”. This is a book that teens and parents (and even men though the book is written for women) rave about. I also highly recommend Lauren Winner’s book, Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity. This is the most well-balanced, biblically-based, realistic book on sex I’ve ever seen. It will be a particularly good balance to Gift-Wrapped, which has, in my view, some serious problems though overall it is helpful. Real Sex won’t be as user-friendly for your 14 year old, but will be invaluable for you as you prepare yourself for your daughter’s transition into young adulthood and as you continue to have conversations about sex with your precious daughter throughout her life. She may only need one basic “sex talk.” But she’ll always need to talk about sex with a trusted adult in her life.

Many blessings to you and your daughter in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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One Response to Talking to Your Kids about Sex

  1. Pingback: Flashback Friday: When to talk to your kids about sex | speak what we feel

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