Virgin Expectations

the man i am about to marry, he is not a virgin, what he told me is he has slept with three women. although he is a very kind and a generous person. now that me and him are in love and he is even ready to leave and fight with his parents for me, the thought for me of his being a non-virgin is killing me, i am really not able to digest up till now that the man whom i am about to marry has slept with some women whom he doesn’t knew ever, not once three times. he say he loves me and he will not let this happen again, but for some reason it is getting really difficult for me to digest it, because i cannot imagine, how can some body plan to f*** a women just like that?????????????

Since this kind of question comes a lot, I wanted to get another voice whom I deeply trust and respect in on the conversation. Without further ado, here’s my dear friend Ginger’s encouraging, Scripture-based, prayerful response.

Dear Nisha,

Thank you so much for writing your letter.  I identify with some of your thoughts and fears.  Most of us have expectations about the person we will marry. Having realistic expectations of your spouse is beneficial in the marriage relationship. But having expectations of that person prior to your relationship can be a tricky situation.

The truth of the matter is that if your fiancée has repented of past mistakes to the Lord, the Lord forgives him wholly and completely.  His sin is as far as the east is from the west.  He is a new creation.

So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (2 Corinthians 5:16-17, NLT)

I don’t know the whole story of your relationship, only what you’ve chosen to share. I understand why your fiancée’s behavior has given you reasons to question and doubt. I believe you need to take time to sort through this issue right now before you get any closer to your impending marriage.

I believe that going forward you have two choices:

  1. Seek the Lord for restoration and accept your fiancée as he is.
  2. Move on.

Searching for perfect love anywhere but the arms of our Heavenly Father is a mistake. Even if you were marrying a virgin, you would still be marrying a person who had struggled in other areas of obedience prior to marriage. God’s commandment for purity is very clear, you’re right.  But Satan wants nothing more to destroy marriage, so you need to consider right now if this is something you can forgive and move past. Sex will be important in your marriage, so trusting your husband without resentment is going to be critical. Once your fiancée has asked for forgiveness, you need to release this completely and give it over to the Lord.

This part of his life story isn’t something you get to use as ammunition in your arguments over the coming years. If you leave this untreated, your bitterness will become a cancer to your marriage. Both of you must allow God to perform a miracle of healing and forgiveness.

Pray that God would give you the strength to honor each other and prepare you for a life together full of trust.  Ask that He would use both of your past failures to humble you, refine you and draw you closer to Himself.  He is more than able to bring beauty out of turmoil.

LORD, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you. (Psalm 130:3-4, NLT)

Grace and peace,

Ginger Ciminello is a passionate writer and speaker who communicates through story-telling and dramatic narrative.  Her awkward middle school phase lasted almost ten years, allowing her to connect with students in a humorous and personal way.  Ginger holds a deep desire to reach her audiences and encourage them to laugh, learn from her mistakes, and look up to the Father.  Her own story contains embarrassing moments, a two-year bout with an eating disorder, being abandoned at the prom, and finally finding contentment in knowing whom God has made her to be.

Check out her own excellent website and blog where she responds to her own answers to email and was still gracious enough to take time to take on one of mine.

Contact Ginger about speaking at your next event!

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11 Responses to Virgin Expectations

  1. Val says:

    Great response! I think practicing forgiveness in marriage is a good discipline, even before you’re technically hitched. And man, you’ll probably learn that your sin goes as deep as his, even if you didn’t do the same things he has. We all need an infinite amount of grace.

    From N’s question, it seems like it’s possible her fiancee didn’t really know one of his former lovers. It might be wise for him get a physical so that, in case he contracted any diseases, those things are out in the open and treatable. What do you ladies think?


  2. I’ve been reading along for a while now. I just wanted to drop you a comment to say keep up the good work.

  3. April says:

    Great response, Ginger! I’m not married, but have had several friends deal with this question either with their spouse being the non-virgin or themselves being the non-virgin. You are very correct that it needs to be dealt with before proceeding with marriage or it will become a point of strife for her as she seeks to love, respect and trust her husband. I’ve heard it said before that marriage is made up of two imperfect people who chose to forgive often.

    Thanks for your grace, but truth-filled response.

  4. Mandi says:

    So true!! What a great article!

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