Porn and Fear

Hi. My name is Christina. I am 22 and almost two years ago I started dating for the first time. I am still with my boyfriend but 6 months into our dating he confessed to me that he struggled with porn. He told me cause he knew it was wrong and did not want to hide it from me. He got an accountability partner and says that he is doing a lot better. He is a person who does what he says he will do and I care for him very much, but I am so afraid that the porn will not go away and I do not know what to do. We are both Christians and I desperately want to honor God in my life and this relationship. Do you have any advice for me? I am so tired of being afraid.

 

 

Hi Christina.

Thanks for writing and sharing your story. I bet you are tired of being afraid. It sounds to me like it’s your turn to confess your struggle with fear, turn it over to the Lord, and find an accountability partner to help you with your struggle.

As you’ve already said, you have every reason to trust your man and support him as he strives through the power of the Holy Spirit and the community of the Church to live in a way that is honoring to the Lord and to you. He may not be perfect all the time, but who of us is? Likewise, you may continue to struggle with fear and not ever be perfect in not being afraid. Your struggle with fear is no better, nor less a sin, than your boyfriend’s struggle with porn. We all need grace.

When you confess to your boyfriend, make sure to also assure him that you trust him and you have confidence in him, that you understand this your fear is (based on what you’ve told me) unfounded. Sort of a “It’s me not you” assurance. Does that make sense? Does that help?

From my heart,
Renea

What advice would you give someone in this situation?

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Answers to Email and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Porn and Fear

  1. Lori says:

    This is a common struggle with men, even Christian men. It actually might run deeper than your boyfriend realizes. (It could have a root issue, that God can heal.) I would recommend that he see a Christian counselor. I am glad that he told you.

  2. Bill says:

    Some people smoke. Some people lose their temper and shout. Some people get drunk. And, some people stare at pornography. I’m not making an excuse, by any means, but everyone struggles with something. Don’t abandon him in this fight. People need each other because these battles are so difficult.

    (Futhermore, it has nothing to do with the woman a man is dating. Pornography is always alluring and it is not the result of a disrespectful man. That is not easy for women to believe, but it’s true.)

    • reneamac says:

      Indeed. And, thank you for your parenthetical. In many cases that’s very true, though in other cases it is more complicated, but in either case, it is important that we all, men and women alike, try to see the bigger picture and not take everything so personally (which is not to say it isn’t also, in many regards, personal).

      • Bill says:

        Give a man an ice cream sundae and he’ll be happy. The next day, he will be interested in an ice cream sandwich even if another sundae is waiting on him – even in light of the obvious inferiority of that sandwich. Such is human nature, and I wouldn’t consider a gluttonous person to be rude for wanting that ice cream sandwich. But I would consider them gluttonous. The porn addict (understandably) likes sexuality. A lot. And they are accustomed to the excitement than comes from taking in a lot of it. Such people know that their condition is often difficult, maybe impossible, to break, and they need support.

  3. mselizondo says:

    I like that you addressed that this lady needs to deal with her struggle with fear and see it as it is: sin. However, I don’t feel like it necessarily spoke to what she needed to hear, and the seriousness of what her boyfriend is dealing with.

    Porn is a sin that is ripping marriages apart. It’s a deeper issue than “we fight about money” or “we can’t agree on disciplining our child”. There is something so dark about porn that it can literally rip people apart. I think the secrecy is one of the biggest factors. I personally know a lot of people that have been affected by this.

    1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”

    When the Bible distinguishes among sins like this, I think it’s something we need to take seriously. Porn can leave men feeling utterly consumed and trapped, while the women in their lives feel disregarded, not good enough, and even dirty. I’ve seen so many people scarred by the affects of porn.

    Because of this, I would tell this lady that she needs to confess her fear and struggles with her boyfriend and also with a female accountability partner. But she also needs to know that she can and should ask him periodically how his struggle is going. He should safeguard by installing software like XXXchurch and having the results emailed to her and his accountability partner. They should both seek counseling.

    But they shouldn’t dismiss his struggle with porn as “just another sin.” It’s a deadly weapon from the enemy that will destroy them both if they don’t completely surrender it to God and fight against it.

    • Amy says:

      Thank you for bringing the scripture about sexual immorality. I think Renae gave great advice when she focused on the writer’s fears. We know that all sin is equal in God’s eyes. He who has broken one law has broken them all. However, we also know that some sins can have a bigger impact than others, sexual immorality, of any stripe, included. I’ve often counseled women who have experienced abortion and that choice can have a tremendous impact on their lives. However, just like any other sin, we can find joy and release in accepting the forgiveness that Jesus died to give us.

  4. Pingback: Men 101 Ask Anything « withlovevz™ magazine

  5. Ron says:

    Here is a message from Shelley Lubben that opened my eyes severak years ago:

    I encourage you to watch it. Porn is a destroyer of your mind, family, and trust in the Lord.

speak what you feel: leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s