I have been a struggling Christian my whole life. I had my first marriage and first child very young. My husband lied, did drugs and never told me he molested two precious children. I left him and met my fiance of 3 years. I did two horrible things during our relationship. I took the lives of our unborn children. Due to emotional turmoil and fear, I aborted two lives. I now have a precious baby girl and another one on the way but somehow I can’t understand why the sorrow isn’t there. Its like when I think about it, I feel I did the right thing but I know it is wrong. Is something wrong with me?? I want to feel pain and grief, and I feel like I need that to truly ask for forgiveness. Please help.
I’m so thankful to be able to call once again on Amy for compassionate, knowledgeable responses to tough questions from hurting women.
Your feelings are not unique among women who have had abortions. Many post-abortive women feel relief at the end of the pregnancy. That is all that they feel for a long time. Some of the women who have gone through “Forgiven and Set Free” are recovering from abortions that they experienced before the procedure was even legal! That was quite a while ago and I’m sure they experienced many different feelings before they sought recovery. If I had to label it, I would think you are experiencing denial. You have given birth, so you know the truth about abortion. But you aren’t feeling sad about it and that bothers you. Do you feel badly when you hurt your husband’s feelings? What about when your baby cries? Do you feel badly if you can’t determine the source of her discomfort right away? Even though it’s not your fault, most moms wish they could avoid ever allowing their child to hurt at all. If you feel regret, or guilt in these situations, then you do experience normal responses to sin. But there is some reason that you don’t experience that same response with your abortions. Is it possible that those feelings are just too difficult for you?
I would strongly recommend that you find an unplanned pregnancy center or a licensed counselor who is experienced with post-abortive women. I wish you lived near me so that you could benefit from “Forgiven and Set Free”. You might also find help by googling this Bible study and find out if there is a small group near you. Please know that everything you are feeling is similar to some post-abortive women somewhere. You will know such freedom when you find a group, or an experienced individual that can walk you through this. Your lack of guilty emotions may be the way that you are protecting yourself. But you will not know true recovery until you open this package and look at the contents. I know that may sound overwhelming and can be scary. But the results that I have seen, and been a part of are amazing.
Know that God loves you and sees your sin as no different from the many sins I commit every day. Jesus died for our sins, and that includes your abortions. That is truth and it’s the best news ever. Please take the next step toward healing today so that you won’t be haunted by this any more.
With love from our One True God,